There have never been more opportunities to share what we think about someone or something. A few taps on a keyboard and our opinions on someone’s work, service, writing, performance, even where to eat or holiday are out in the world. Immediate, visible and often permanent.
But somewhere in the speed and convenience of “speaking our truth”, things can get lost.
Feedback has become ridiculously easy to give, but harder to give well. It can be sharp, reactive or careless, not always because people intend harm, but often because they can do it anonymously and don’t have to deal with any consequences of their actions.
And with that comes the rise of cyber bullies, people who say the most awful things they would never say face to face. In those moments, it’s too easy to forget there is a person on the receiving end. Someone who will read those words more than once …
A couple of weeks ago, I visited a favourite brunch spot in Leeds. I go often, recommend it to others and always have a good time when I visit. This time, I went with a friend who had some dietary requirements. I emailed the venue in advance to check if they could accommodate her, and they did so beautifully. We had a great time.
A few days later, I sent them a quick thank you email. I told them it’s my favourite place, that I recommend it often and how much I appreciate the way the team makes everyone feel welcome.
Their reply was more generous than I expected. They thanked me for my kind words and even offered to do something special for me next time I visit. I didn’t write with the hope of getting anything back, I just wanted them to know their care had been seen.
Around the same time, I received an email of appreciation myself, this time from a reader who had taken the time to write to me about my newspaper column. It was so lovely it had me beaming from ear to ear for days!
And yet, if I’m honest, receiving feedback is something I still find uncomfortable at times.
As a freelancer, I work with many people in a variety of different environments, and one thing I always dread, is reading feedback forms. Not because I assume the worst or doubt my work, but because when you put yourself out there, your name, your work, your creativity, there’s vulnerability in that, you’re inviting people to say what they think.
Although it sounds formal, feedback is just a way of communicating feelings and thoughts.
How often do we assume people know what we’re thinking?
We assume our loved ones know how much we appreciate them.
We assume friends know we enjoy their company.
We assume our colleagues know we value their work.
And often they don’t know these things. Not unless we tell them.
A short message. A quick comment. A sentence that says, “I really appreciated that” or “You did a great job” or “Being with you today really brightened my mood.” These things are small, but they carry weight. They build relationships, reinforce effort and remind people that what they do and who they are, matters to you.
And yes, sometimes there will be critical feedback. That’s part of life. Not everyone, will like everything. That’s normal, and that’s OK.
But if you are going to give feedback, good, bad or otherwise let it be thoughtful. Let it be constructive. And above all, let it be kind.
Because long after the moment has passed, people may forget the detail, but they’ll remember how your words made them feel.
Shannon Humphrey is a Youth and Adult Mental Health & Wellbeing Instructor for more information check out www.pathwaysforpositivity.com
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Thank you for that. Words of wisdom I really enjoy your column because it makes me think.