You may recall my mentioning Invisible Andy… Well, he’s about to appear. Old Bob and I had been trying to arrange an outing for the three of us but something always happened to prevent it happening.
Andy had forgotten to put it in his diary and had been required to go shopping. It was raining. There was an ‘r’ in the month etc. It was all pretty suspicious, I thought. We had tried to arrange a game just before Christmas, but Andy had to go and catch a turkey or something similar. Bob and I played a new game: ice golf – the course was covered in frost, which meant playing with a yellow ball was advisable. We had two between us. Needless to say I lost mine on the fourth hole…
So it was with some surprise that, at the appointed time, Old Bob and Invisible Andy turned up at my door to give me a lift to Middleton to tackle the course there. Some time was spent watching Bob trying to get three golf trolleys and sets of clubs into his boot while Andy and I chatted away happily. It’s important to set our more senior citizens logistical problems – stops their brains from atrophying…
It was a very pleasant sunny day with a bit of wind and despite recent snow the course looked in good condition. I racked (what’s left of) my brains as Andy reminded me of someone… He was dressed all in black complete with some Ping fancy heat retaining/sweat removing top. Suddenly it came to me: Gary Player*
I decided I would drive off first because I didn’t want to be depressed by the others. Well, lo and behold, my drive went some distance and straight… Straight into the bunker guarding the green. This is typical. On the rare occasions I hit a shot properly something happens to make sure it ends in disaster. It’s known as snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
At the second tee I realised that Andy was using some strange club to drive with. Fortunately, from my perspective it didn’t seem to be working too well so his play was nearly as bad as mine. But only, nearly… Meanwhile expletive deleted Bob was playing very well – with every shot going in the right direction… My only triumph was to have played the first six holes and not to have lost a ball.
The only bit of the game I could manage at all was on the green. For some reason, which I can only put down to sheer Yorkshire stubbornness, Bob will insist on using some 1820 piece of iron wear as a putter. To be frank I wouldn’t be surprised if he had ‘borrowed’ it from some museum. This both frustrates me and gives me pleasure. On the one hand why doesn’t he save up and buy himself something half decent? On the other hand it is the only bit of the game when he and I are not a Mount Everest apart so maybe I should be grateful…
The first six holes at Middleton are on the new part of the course. I use ‘new’ as a relative term as they came into play in 1979 transforming what was a nine-hole course into 18 holes. I know 6 + 9 doesn’t equal 18 – the first thing I learnt at secondary school, actually – but be patient and all will (eventually) become clear. We crossed over to the old part of the course having had a chat in the rose garden to allow a couple of guys behind us, who were dying of boredom, to play through.
Andy had a troublesome time with the seventh. He finished the hole and announced he was going to change his ball. This will obviously make a massive difference. Bob and I asked him when he last played. It turned out to have to been nearly 5 months previously (all months that had ‘r’s in them) and I thought it was ring rust causing the problem. But no, obviously it was just that he had been using the wrong ball…
Does the change of ball make the difference? Are clubs thrown around in disgust? You’ll just have to wait for the next exciting episode. Admit it, you’re on the edge of your seat with excitement, aren’t you?
Glossary of technical terms
* Gary Player – a famous South African golfer who is always dressed entirely in black on the golf course
