This is my last article on golf hacking – unless, of course, some golf magazine would like to offer me untold wealth to write a column to promote their infuriating game…
So here are the five lessons I have noted – I was going to write learned, but I thought that was a bit presumptuous – in my 18 months as a golf hacker.
1. Pride goes before a fall or just when you think you’ve cracked it fate bites you in the bum…
Here’s an example. I finally managed to get Old Bob to come to play at The Lion’s Lair. To be fair he has had a bit of an excuse as it is in another country (but not a different state – however that’s another story unconnected to golf hacking to which I may, at some point, return).
I had finally played a good approach shot to the 8th green, which is reasonably scary as if you go over the green your ball is certain to land in the river and never been seen again. If you play short you end up in the bunker. This was the first time I had avoided one of these two fates. My ball ended about 10 feet from the hole and putting is the bit of the game I am half reasonable at. So I swaggered on to the green and proceeded to take three more shots to get the ball into the hole.
2. Beware laughing at your opponent, or he (and probably she) who laughs last laughs longest…
I had made a complete hash of the 12th and had conceded the hole before Bob had played his second. Somehow in three deranged tee shots I had managed to lose two balls. Bob hit a good drive but slightly to the left and ended up behind a tree. What a shame. He then proceeded to tell me that he would use his 3 Wood to bend the ball around the tree and on to the green 160 yards away. I remarked to him that I thought this was unlikely. Meanwhile a troop of Segway* riders had driven across the fairway into an area to Bob’s left reserved for them. Bob not only hit the tree but the ball narrowly missed braining him and shot off to attack the Segway riders. I laughed. A lot. But three shots later Bob had completed the hole and I hadn’t…
3. There’s a Bermuda Triangle that inhabits golf courses, or things just disappear…
After a reasonable tee shot on the third, I was on the fairway considering my second. This is a blind shot over the brow of the hill. I took a seven iron and nailed it, but was so intent on keeping my body and head still I hadn’t followed the flight of the ball. Bob congratulated me on my shot and off we trotted over the hill to the wide fairway on the other side. When I say wide, we’re talking the width of a football pitch. Could we find my ball? Despite the allowed* five minutes of both of us prowling up and down the ball couldn’t be found…
4. It is easier to find someone else’s ball than your own, or often you don’t find what you’re looking for but something else…
Normally Bob is a better ball spotter than I am. Partly I put this down to the fact that he is long sighted whereas I am short sighted but mainly to his years of experience on golf courses. On this particular morning he hadn’t got his eye in.
On the second, when he carved his tee shot to the left of the elevated green, he failed to find his ball but at least I found another one for him in an adjacent position to where his must have been (somewhere). On the third he sliced his drive into the light rough, but just couldn’t see it until I pointed it out to him.
However on the 14th when I managed – don’t ask how, I just don’t want to think about it – he located my ball in a bunker on the 13th….
5. When you’ve lost the game you play better, or just relax and see what happens…
Bob and I got to the 18th tee about five hours after we had started… This was in part due to our generous practice of letting people through at the slightest opportunity as I have a horror of people being close enough to watch my efforts and partly because we spent a leisurely hour or so in the club-house after the first nine holes. The fact that Bob managed to lose three balls on the 17th may have had something to do with it, but I promised him I wouldn’t mention that so I haven’t.
I had lost the match by the time we had reached the 15th green so perhaps I was demob happy. On the tee at the 18th you are faced by a river about 25 feet wide, followed by some unpleasant undergrowth and then the road onto the course, before you reach the safety of the fairway. As it’s a par 3 of course you’re suppose to ignore this and land your ball on the green. I am sure competent golfers manage this, but I have yet to see anyone do so. It would be nice to say that I overcame all the odds and I landed the ball five feet from the hole but this isn’t a fairy tale. I did however hit my best tee shot of the day and ended up 15 feet short of the green. Of course, I then chipped the ball into the bunker guarding the green but that’s a different story… I am still a golf hacker, after all…
I think taking up golf has given me a new perspective on life. Even an old dog can learn new tricks. The problems begin when you think you have seen and know it all…
Glossary of technical terms
Segway – The Segway is a two wheeled self-balancing, battery powered electric vehicle.
