I was gritting my teeth, thinking, “But I’ve already told you this three times…”
It’s so frustrating to be told you haven’t mentioned something before when you know fine well you have, and in this case, several times.
The person in question had been distracted during our previous conversations. Scrolling through their phone, half an ear on the conversation, both eyes glued to their screen. I got the odd muffled agreement, but I could tell they weren’t really listening. Bit rude, and I suppose I could have said something about it.
But, let’s be honest, most of us have either done it or been on the receiving end of someone distracted by what’s going on around them. A phone, the TV, a pet, a child, or a chore that needs doing.
And I know it’s not always easy, or practical, to down tools, as it were, and give someone your full, undivided attention.
But when did we at least stop trying to be available to the person we are with?
Half-in, half-out conversations seem to be the norm these days. People’s lives and brains are so busy that they’ll be doing online banking, making tea, replying to a WhatsApp group chat, all while having a conversation with you.
So it’s perhaps no wonder that snippets of information get lost in the wind.
When our attention is split, we rarely take in everything that’s being said. And when we don’t properly take something in, we’re much less likely to remember it.
Memory isn’t just about recollecting facts or information. Before something can be accurately remembered, we have to pay enough attention to it in the first place.
When we give somebody our full attention, we’re not only showing them courtesy; we’re giving our brain a much better chance of absorbing, processing, storing and later retrieving what they’ve told us.
And memory, like so many things, benefits from being used.
One of the nicest things you can do for another person is to ask about something they’ve told you.
“Did you try that new restaurant you mentioned last week?”
“How did the dog get on at the vets?”
Those little questions can mean an enormous amount.
Because what you’re really saying is:
“I remember what you said.”
“I remember what matters to you.”
“I was listening.”
And who doesn’t want to feel that level of vaildation?
We all want to feel seen, heard and understood. Remembering the details of somebody’s life is one of the simplest ways of showing them that they’re important to us.
It also gives relationships, new and old, roots to grow from.
You ask a question. They answer it. You remember the answer. You ask about it again later. And vice-versa.
Those are the hallmarks of a healthy long-term relationship.
Suddenly, it’s more than a series of random conversations. You’re building a history together, deeper and more meaningful as time goes on.
You’re creating memories.
Try this little experiment.
Next time someone is talking to you, put your phone down.
Turn away from the screen in front of you, unless it’s a FaceTime call.
Stop whatever else you’re doing.
Look at them. Actually look at them. And listen to what they have to say.
Don’t think about your reply. Don’t compare their story to something that’s happened to you. Don’t mentally write your shopping list, or start yapping over them, or butt in when they pause to take a breath because you have a funny or interesting anecdote you’re dying to add into the mix.
Just listen.
Absorb it.
Enjoy the moment.
Because one day, the things we remember about the people we love won’t necessarily be the big, loud, conversations. It’ll be those everyday, seemingly throw away conversations that didn’t mean much at the time, but mean everything now.
I heard you.
You mattered to me.
I was there.
Shannon Humphrey is a Youth and Adult Mental Health & Wellbeing Instructor for more information check out www.pathwaysforpositivity.com
Photo: Shutterstock
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